I still consider myself a baby at times. I became a Christian 9 years ago and was baptized 7 years ago. There are days I feel I just don't get this whole mess and then I remember, I am only 9. I remember 9. I was in the 3rd grade for most of 9. The year we learned to write in cursive and my teacher had an amazing teddy bear collection I envied. I was old enough to think, "Isn't she a little old to have stuffed animals"? We made crayon art by melting crayons on a burner and pouring them on a piece of paper. I was old enough to be given the responsibility to work with appliances that could potentially burn me. I became a woman that year (I'll save you the details...women, you know what that means), wore a bra, and beat every boy on the playground at teatherball. I cursed one out and got in big trouble. I was old enough to know right from wrong, old enough to start thinking about others instead of myself...not all the time of course, I was only 9. But I realized when I cursed that boy out how I must have really embarrassed him in front of all of his friends and felt horrible about what I had done. And in bed at night as I slept, I still sucked my thumb with my blankie.
In many ways, my walk with Christ is just as if I was in the 3rd grade. I've walked with Him long enough to be entrusted with things that might burn me if I'm not careful. I'm becoming more of a woman of God the closer I get to Him. I know that when I'm not choosing to walk with Him, my thoughtless words spoke in the heat of a moment can hurt and embarrass others just like I caused hurt and embarrassment to that little boy on the play ground. And in bed at night as I fall asleep, when my thoughts are racing through my head prevent me from "resting", I turn to my security blanket for comfort. Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest". The hardest lesson right now is learning to put myself last and God first. Learning to die to myself daily. This is an especially hard task from someone who was an only child and conditioned to need the approval of others. What people think of me could be considered my form of idolatry, idolizing the opinions of people rather than serving God. The bible is very clear that we can't serve two masters. Matthew 6:24, "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other".
My husband and I are embarking on a calling from God that challenges this weakness in me. I'll share more when I can but for now know that this calling puts ourselves in the direct line of fire to become persecuted for what we believe in. People will judge us and many people are afraid to do what we have been called to do for fear of a reputation among man. And while I wish so badly to cuss out those who have already caused us pain, I march on trembling at the knees, with the strength to take down the giant who is oppressing the people of this community, gathering my strength from the One who saves.
1 Samuel 17:45-47, "David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”
Now that's the ultimate cuss-out.